迷失。

一直以来，已经知道自己不是一个很会唱歌的人。

可是，也在朋友的认可，鼓励里，也开始不在否认这自己有些皮毛。

觉得，自己是会唱歌的。

听了自己以前的歌声，真的觉得自己是个大音痴。

也因为这样，记得了这些年一路走来，努力要把个唱好的经历。

想着，这一路，只有三个字。不简单。

什么都是自己慢慢的摸，慢慢的学。

可是人有几年呀？

渐渐的，把自己看成了个歌者的我，也找不到推动力了。

尤其看了中国好声音后，真的没力了。

努力了那么久也不就这样，没多好的样。

没有高亢的嗓子，没有熟练的技巧，没有个人的特色。什么也没有。

多不想放弃，一心想证明给那些贬低我的人，完成我的梦。

梦，梦都说是梦了。

没料儿，就是没料吧。

就像你说的，普通。Normal. 

咳。

只能说，每个歌者背后都有故事。

I'm not kidding.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED THAT THIS IS A POST OF LONG NONSENSICAL RANTING.

How time can change one person's perceptive.

In the morning, I psycho-ed myself to never let food, be my source of comfort again. Never. I want my new life, my new self and I am going to get it no matter by hook or by crook.

But now, I just wish I can gorge myself with the food I love, because you know what? No one cares!!
I'm telling you. No one cares. It's said that, yea, my friends and family supports me, restricting me what I should eat and shouldn't eat. But guess what? When it's time to work out, they all pull out from it.

"I am tired." "I needa get this done by tonight." "I just ate, sorry."

All these excuses from time to time, given and shoved straight to my face.
But what can I do? Make a big fuss?

And when I do get my workout, I am being pinpointed at. "Your method won't work." "You're not doing it right." "You can go faster." "I did better that time, so you can too."

You know what? _|_
What's your ever highest weight huh and what's mine? Want to compare?

Every weight adds an extra effort I have to take to move my freaking body.
Why not you walk in my shoes huh? Add the weight on your body and see how it feels like?
See if you can "DO IT BETTER".

It's funny how a side of me understands that you are tired, you don't need this workout, you are just entertaining me, accompanying me so that it makes me happy, because you know that's what I want to do and this is what I want to do, it's none of your business, I shouldn't blame you. I should be laughing to myself you're trying your very best to workout together with me and that I shouldn't give up because its for my own good.

In this journey, I have conquered many temptations, having people eating things that I can't eat and having to eat alone, because I care. Having to tolerate with the pain that is so pain that I have to limb while walking. I have become so much stronger on the way.

But another side of me is just sick and tired, be it your excuses, the temptation, the aches I have to get everyday. It's crazy. Then again, maybe that is you, what can I do? You have the power to make the whole house be working out with you. But I can't.

So why am I trying so hard, when no one cares? NO ONE CARES. I am running out of motivation myself. So what I am 19, still wearing clothes like I have no motherfucking fashion sense. So what if I get fatter and fatter till the whole world shuns me, and I die with some freaking complications from some small disease.

JUST FORGET IT. FORGET IT.

Sunken mood.

Tonight's not the night for happy post. You have been warned.

Tonight's seemed to become a bad night after all.

You said that you hate people coming to ruin you. Why are ruining me?

Why are you doing this to me? What have I done to get such treatments from you?

Just what am I to you? Stupid ego shit jerk.

Are status on the social websites so important?

认识你的这两年，我自认对你问心无愧。帮你的也不少。从来也没亏待过你。

可是，为什么要这样，为什么好像什么事都好像针对我？

我到底做了什么？让你可以这么的讨厌我？

如果你的目的是要彻彻底底的打败我，那我可以和你说，你成功了。你满意了吗？

Just freaking get out of my life, like how you said you would. Totally get out of my life.

Away to a place I won't sense you, won't see you and don't ever come back.

Just give me back my life. Give me back the old me.

Or maybe, just try to fix it and get. it. right.

But I doubt it will ever happen.

If only things were much simpler.

Confession of a fangirl.

Till now I still remembered exactly how I when all so crazy about you.

Of all the idols I idolised when I am young, you are one of those that made me find my passion.

There is nothing I can say, but just a simple thank you.

This is my confession, a super long one.

I remembered it all started with the drama, Man of the house.

It's just so crazy why I would notice you one good day, in the midst of a phone call with my friend.

Noticing that you just have that aura that just attracts me.

It might sound crazy, but ever after since, I went around the internet to find out more information of you; Your name, your age. More pictures of you. Just anything that would let me know more about you.

*I was so crazy that my whole class knew who are you. *

But maybe you are just not that famous yet at that time or that active online, there isn't much I could get. I had to sit in front of the TV everyday just so I can get screenshots of you from the show.

It was only then that, I start to learn more of those media shit ass things such as photoshopping, video editing and things like that. Just so that I can get more variations from the limited pictures I have of you from the drama. Nothing else.

I dreamt of you from night to night, being my chinese teacher, my grandma's friend, having to come over my house for hari raya (?) But I guess it all boils down to a fan trying and thinking too much of meething her idol.

Though stalker much that I can't believed all these happened to me.

It was a happy process, but it sort of wear off after I have grew up, because there seriously, isn't much news of you ever since Man of the house. It was until your hand in mine. I am surprised that you appeared again. But maybe I have grown up, got busy. It wasn't that crazy anymore.

It was only much much later, that I got to know that, you are actually looking for me on facebook. Because you have seen the crazy pictures I have done for you in the past. Something that I never ever dreamt of. NEVER!

I got to know you from facebook ever since after that, got to know more about you. Got to know more about your life. Got to talk to you like I am your friend. Sending messages, long messages to one another. You commenting on my profile, telling me to take care when you knew I was sick, I really thought I am your friend. Caring for you, thinking about you again.

But I guess, it all boils down to because, you are my idol and you are somebody.

Like what HL said, we wouldn't care much if you were a nobody on the streets.

Besides, there are many more others that care about you and it is only basic courtesy that you return that care to them. 是我自作多情了。

Or maybe I am just not ready to wake up from this dream. Since all these are seriously, too good to be true.

PS: After vomitting all these out. I feel that I still care about her. Its best that I go back to square one and treat her like before, as an idol. Because she inspires me, if not for this crazy part of my life, there won't be the Shermaine today.

Yet, be a friend as a friend, because I can't deny that I still care. Caring about you at the back of my mind unconsciously.

Hope I would find that perfect balance between both.