Life without maid; the neverending edition.

I know from a long hiatus from the blog writing, a good and cheery post would do all good, but sadly, tonight is not the night.

Ever since maid had left the family, I can gladly say that there's a huge change in how life is, how the true colour of things slowly shows and little and insignificant can we be. 

Don't tell me love and kinship all through all odds bullshit, 'cause all I am sensing now is tension. 

I hate how the culture of the family have changed ever since the maid left. 

I hate how now's all about tension, stress and restrictions in the family. 

I hate coming home to an empty and messy house everyday, tensed as ever knowing that at any time I would be yelled at for doing things that seemed to be so insignificant in the past. 

I hate you for being so unreasonable of small things because you are tired, and you just want to vent everything out. 

I hate it when I become your venting outlet and every form of harsh words comes right out from your fucking mouth like blades to my soul. 

I hate the tension we now have between us. 

I hate that feeling that I don't even feel like talking to you. 

I hate how I can't even feel relaxed in my own home. 

I hate how I have lost the whole feeling of truly slacking and relaxed at home. 

I hate how now I feel that even going out doing nothing is better than staying at home.

I hate how I feel like I don't want to ever be in this place. 

I hate how I feel so immature due to all this tension and shit going through. 

I hate the everything and anything that have changed when the moment my maid left home. 

I want my life back.  

But, I know it's impossible. Fuck. 

Jailbreak or no jailbreak?

Right. So ever since I have been exposed to jailbreak. Learnt a bit here and there, I can proudly say, hey, I kinda like what I see after I jailbreak.

Free games, nice useful tweaks to make the iPod a better and more useful device. But hey. After having my iPhone 5 with me running so fast and everything just highlights even more and making me notice that; is my jailbreak making my iPod going slower?

Well, I don't know. Ever since I jailbroke, that's pretty much what I have experienced. Sadly, lagging and crashing becomes even more prominent especially with my iPhone 5 running as quickly as butter.

It is really tempting me to unjailbreak and move to the all new improved iOS 6. Since it is looking very cool on my iPhone. Looking all simple and nice, I just can't stand those notifications for me to update. Those stupid red numbers, increasing daily. All updating very much for the new iOS 6 which isn't much of a help to me since I'm still on iOS 5.1.1.

Jailbreaking is seriously a double headed dagger. I am still very much staying on it just because of the fact that I'm credit card-less, and that it is through jailbreak that I can get apps I want myself. Call me cheap stake if you want, but that's the only reason I can think of for me to stay on this very jailbreak.

Hence my move to clear almost everything else I don't need such as the other games, tweaks and such. All I can say is it's pathetic. But then again. I don't really care as long I get to play those I really like.

Jailbreak or not. I choose to stay to it now and hopefully a stable jailbreak for iOs 6 gonna come really soon and not choose to piss me off.

If the day comes where I should decide to give up my jailbreak. That would be the day where I would upgrade my iPod touch to the latest generation.

Trust me on this. The lack of jailbreak is the only reason I feel that now's not the time to buy anything from apple now other than the iPhone since that is the one and only device I will never jailbreak.

忙碌。

好几天美动电脑了吧？此刻打字的感觉好像也生疏了。
我真的是夸张王说夸张话。LOL.

只能说，表面上我一直渴望的假期也没有多么的完美。
坦白说，这几天看来，我忙的和上学没什么两样。
好像还似乎觉得上学时，可能因为有上课当借口，好像还没现在那么忙。

明明是假期，概嘛搞的的脚像是踩了一白棵柠檬似的，酸！！！

妈妈一看我闲着就叫我做东做西的。
老板一看我暑假来了就排了一堆的工作。

跑来跑去，忙来忙去，为了什么呀？ 真是无聊。

累，有谁不累，为了钱，只能说，没办法~

好了呗~ 茶喝完了，宵夜也吃完了，眼睛越来越重，就让我在此搁笔，睡觉咯~　

明天又新的一个重复天～

迷失。

一直以来，已经知道自己不是一个很会唱歌的人。

可是，也在朋友的认可，鼓励里，也开始不在否认这自己有些皮毛。

觉得，自己是会唱歌的。

听了自己以前的歌声，真的觉得自己是个大音痴。

也因为这样，记得了这些年一路走来，努力要把个唱好的经历。

想着，这一路，只有三个字。不简单。

什么都是自己慢慢的摸，慢慢的学。

可是人有几年呀？

渐渐的，把自己看成了个歌者的我，也找不到推动力了。

尤其看了中国好声音后，真的没力了。

努力了那么久也不就这样，没多好的样。

没有高亢的嗓子，没有熟练的技巧，没有个人的特色。什么也没有。

多不想放弃，一心想证明给那些贬低我的人，完成我的梦。

梦，梦都说是梦了。

没料儿，就是没料吧。

就像你说的，普通。Normal. 

咳。

只能说，每个歌者背后都有故事。

Changes.

Inevitably, as always. Change is everywhere.

Not that I am trying to highlight the point that I have always been the noble one and so.

But I just can't help but ask what's wrong with my life. I can confidently say, my life is no much different than yours, yours and yours. But why I am feeling so hollow in the inside.

In terms of friendship and all those relationship shit. Why am I always the one that's giving, I always feel that I am the one that's giving, but not having anything back in return. But for all my many many efforts to make something happen, I am still always the least prior one.

Be it it's because of you, you, you or YOU. I can't help but feel that surplus, and that I am not worthy of your time. Maybe it is me that is asking too much. Maybe it's me that's making a fuss out of nothing.

I am afraid that something in the past may happen again and I can once again feel that I am going back to those protective layers, afraid. Afraid that something beyond my control would happen again. God. WHY?

I'm tired of hidding and suppressing but then again, even if I were to show it out, who's gonna care.

Precisely my point. 

Maybe, just maybe, I should learn to be independent. 

Judging.

Yes, this is going to be one of those ranting posts that I always have the tendency to post out, instead of those great, fantastic, entertaining posts that I planned in my head.

Today's topic : JUDGING.

Admit it, you, me, we all have been there. It's just human nature to judge. Oh. Not forgetting those biatches there to plan the seeds of misunderstanding into your brain before you know it, but then again, we are also that navie and stupid to fall for it. 

Judging is to me, just seems like another big irony. Something that all of us so detest, yet, always do. JUDGE. I judge you for who I don't know. You judge me back thinking you know me well. Cycle of life huh? 

Be it on me or on my friends that you're judging, you ain't know shit yet.

Just like how you think you know me, but you actually don't. You ain't know shit about me, that's a perception that I show you. 

Think I have no temper? Think again. Think I am always tired, powerless, think again. Think I am quiet/opinion-less? Think again? 

I don't know why this is happening to me, I am also judging you for all the wrong things like you are judging me and my friends. 

Maybe just like you, I know shit about you too. That's why I am judging. 

It's like a vicious cycle. Really feel like ending all these now, but can I? 

WTS. I fuckin' can't. This is frustrating that I still have to be that Ms Nice just to ensure that shit doesn't happen to me instead because of all the politics. I HATE POLITICS, be it literally, or just usually school and work politics. GTFO. 

Final note to self: 

Don't accept others to stop first. You stop it first. What they want to do with their little thought experiment is none of your business. 

Fate.

I'm never a strong believer of fate,
always believed that I can never just succumb just like that to fate without even trying can I?

But, sometimes, you really can't ignore it, it will just come to your face.
For it is indeed fate has decided many things for me, where I am now, what I am now, theI get to meet many people, interact with them, learn things from, get to grow up. Face changes in life. Grow stronger.

Not forgetting that it is BECAUSE of fate that I get to know awesome and people dear to me.

Fate might play with your perception as is also via fate, that I get to see the true colours of many time after time. Like the saying people often say in chinese;

路摇知马力，日久见人心。
这句话，我终于也明白，了解了不多。

人心险恶，我又知道多少，知面，知人不知心。

Fate plays with your life at the weirdest places you can think of, even on things as simple as shoes. MY VANS T.T
(having to whine for it for 1year, I am still left with nothing!! :(((( )

Be it good or bad, fate plays with you and sticks to you like superglue, you can choose to not believe it.
But it will prank on you at the strangest time to catch you off your guard. Driving me to the pillar.

Why can't fate give me simpler people in life? Or maybe it's not so much about fate, it is so much of my overworking brain. WHATEVER.

Seriously, I really hate proteins.

At 4.43 a.m, looking at this picture, I seriously ask myself.

"WHAT IS THIS PIECE OF CRAP?!" 

Like seriously, it just looks like a ball of tangled,jumbled up colourful strings that no one gives a shit. But I guess, somehow, many people actually gives a shit. Since I am having an exam about it through out the month just shows how important is it. 

Without it, we will have no hormones, no blood cells, no muscles, no meat. 

BUT WHATEVER.

I actually don't hate it that much, but after facing it for more than 3 hours, reading on it's different levels of folding structures and the stupid bonds, bonds and more bonds. I have had it, and I am here to do a mindless rant, because I don't even know what I am typing anymore. WOW. 

:P Well. 

At the very least, I feel accomplished today for finishing 2 problems, 3 more to go and I am done for ONLY Structural Biology. KILL ME. SERIOUSLY. WHY. LIFE. IS. LIKE. THAT. SERIOUSLY.

Logbook.

Love-hate relationship I have with this thing.

As dreadful as I hate to do it and will avoid at all cost. Ending up to something that I now surprising enjoying doing the most and not forgetting, giving me the greatest sense of achievement that no modules now seemed to be giving me.

Maybe this is the only thing that a rotten strawberry can feel proud in doing.

But wait till I see the work of my friends. All these pride will fly.

Guess I shall heck care this shit for now. For it's my own work which I will carry pride for.

重复。

重复的课，

重复的老师，

重复的朋友，

重复的人生。

上学可以让人扩大生活圈子，

可是往往也可以把生活圈子变的就是来来回回那几样。

生活，就是如此矛盾。

一生都在忙，忙上课，忙考试，忙毕业，忙工作。

囧囧囧。

What can I handle?

Syllabus. Too much to handle.
Class. Too much to handle.

Coffee. Starting to handle.

Brain. Not able to handle all these too much to handle(s).

Wish that I stop all these by pulling a handle.

Going on an overdrive already.

Because of all these too much to handle things that seriously make me do stuff that I don't do in the past. Eg. Studying beforehand, studying outside so people can teach me.

Just this two points is sufficient to kill me. Leading to once again fall to the beloved grasp of caffeine.

God bless me. Hope they will always help and not build tolerance to it that fast.

Thankful that I have great and supportive parents that understand. Great that I have friends that care.

Thank you, because of you guys I am grateful.

Today's accidental studying session in Wendy's just prove everything.

I will and I must pull through this shit.

Does it really matter?

Sometimes, words aren't said because they are not thought through about. 

Sometimes words are not said because of various reasons.

If words said won't change anything at all, then why say them? 

If words will make people unhappy. Why say them? 

If words cannot get things across, does it really matter if I say it?

Because towards the end, nothing will change. 

Because you will never believe in what I say. 

There are many things that I have never told you, just like how I believe you would never have told me.

In the end, all of us, just end up planting more and more seeds of assumption. 

With each of those seeds growing every time it happens, our misunderstanding increases. 

Assuming is the root of the problem. Just like every time I have thought that you know nuts about me, do I know the nuts about you? Assumption just got the better of us. 

I am no better than you.

太殘忍的話我直說 因為愛很重

你卻不想懂 只往反方向走

我们就是以为我们懂了，结果越走越远了。

Now that I have known your real reason, your piece of mind, should I do my last part as a friend to clear those seeds of assumption? Or should I just leave it there, since you do sound happier on your part if I just leave you alone. 

In their shoes.

Never say something is too hard, or too easy, unless you have done that, been there.

Know how it exactly felt.

Talk is cheap, walk your talk.

But sometimes, all one need is a little common sense and understanding.

All will be fine. But not many have that tolerance.

At least, not you. Sadly.

But what can I do? :/

Now even my good isn't good.

For everything in life, for everything to go back to normal, I need my life back, can the rough patches in life just leave me? Or maybe can I just turn back clock, back to a time where everything's much simpler. A much happier me.

I miss that Shermaine. I miss my youth.

Rough patch. Pffftt.

As much as I want to move on with life and not whine like a spoiled Singaporean kid.

I seriously need a way to whine out all that I can. Not through keeping it any longer or talk it out with my dear ones. I have never seriously felt life to be so demoralising.

Having to be nagged and scolded every single day, having to be misunderstood by people you once cared about and worst of all, have no where to vent. Life never seemed to be so lifeless. Having to live normally seemed like a chore.

As much as I wished to cry it all out and sleep to my heart's content and wake up to that cheerful me, this all seems to be a luxurious privilege too good to be fulfilled.

For I could face much more, if I just heck cared about the world and lived in my own lalaland.

The only thing I can do is sallow everything back down and stayed strong.

I am really surprised how one could act under the change of situation.

I am really tired. How I wished that everything could just stop and return to normal.

Give me my life back. I am really tired. Really tired.

I am thankful for those who cared, and understood. I am sorry I can't reciprocate what you have done back. Sorry for being so stressed up and bullshity, deep down I have appreciate what you done, your efforts to cheer me up. Going that extra mile to understand the situation I am in.

Trying to make me happy through every means I can afford. If it wasn't for you guys, I think I would have collapsed.

Thanks for being that tinge of honey, when everything is bitter and sourish. Thank you.

Thankful for the creator of blogs, ranting out unconditional really works.

As much as I hope to stay at this state of tiny happiness, it's time I go back to reality.

Where life have to go on, Mom's still going to come back at the same time, my RJ's still gonna close its submission at 1159.

镜子之道。

在很多时候，人往往会投诉说为什么这个人会这样，这样，这样。

会那样，那样，那样。

不过，有没有回头想一想，看一看为什么会如此呢？

如果换成是自己，你会怎么做呢？

做的会比那个人还好吗？还是会和她做出相同的举止。

处理的方法有没有可能比她还要来得更糟糕。

我们人啊，就是太会抱怨了。有时，在抱怨的过程会忽略了很多。

伤害到的也可能很深，很深。

我常常把责任推在你身上，想一想难道我就没错吗？

可是，我该怎么去救，怎么去弥补？

"人生就想一片镜子，若要看见一个美丽的反映，自己也要对镜子先秀出灿烂的笑容。”

－张爵西

可是偏偏就是对你没有效。:／

PS: 不过，我还是相信只要真心对待，不管谁都会被打动。

人真的感觉的到谁是对谁好的。

I really thank the Gods and Angels up above that had sent you guys to me.

如果没有你们，我可能就没有那么大的福气了。

Life without maid, 3 days in a row.

Yeps, it has been three days in a row already, spoilt brat has learnt how to open her own door, wash her own clothes and pick after her own bed.

Life had been more busy, but not hectic yet I would say.

Maybe I haven't reached the stage where tired school day meets tons of unfinished housework.

But I just seriously think that doing household chores are really not as easy as they might seem to be.Mopping the floors of the entire house can already get me sweating like a pig.

Or maybe, I am really not as fit as my age seemingly should be.

Super unhealthy and unfit.

The food that I am eating is also kinda getting a little unhealthy.

Dinner for day1, Instant noodles directly from pot, cause lazy to wash my own plate.

Lunch for day2 (home alone, lazy to cook or go out) MacDelievery :)

Life is seemingly good this few days and I am still surviving despite of all the backaches and muscle cramps from house work. :/

Let's just hope that I adapt earlier than I should and can get over the fact that I am on my own for now. This is what I have to go through.

PS: I am typing this post in the midst of the Biochem meeting1 because our Faci simply is not talking and sitting there. Waiting for us to start while, we are waiting for her to start.

How contradicting.

Late night movie emotional rant :x

Sometimes, I just think that, movies are so fake.
I have seen loads, not saying that they are bad, or anything superficial.

There loads of good movies, with good inside story/message.

But what happen in the movie stays in the movie and will never be real. Never.

For dreams, in the end, we still can't exactly throw away what we have now and really heck care and chase our dreams.

Beauty and the beast? Who cares so much about what's inside you, what greets you first is the person's looks, if the looks are screwed. Well. You know what happen.

Yes, it is true that, through movies, it triggers feeling that people are having inside of them, that's why they cry, when they see a movie, when they felt that the movie is telling how they feel out in whatever way.

But at the end of the day, when the "magical" feeling of that movie wear off.

Are we still going to feel that compassion and sympathy to that?

No. You will still be who you are before. Sadly.

No matter what. Because of what we go through are all different, at the end of the day, rich kids are still never going to feel how really poor kids are feeling to have the need to worry that they will have no dinner tonight.

Or the fitter kids will never understand that it's not that the fat kids are lazy toward maintaining their weight so that they can look good. While fat kids are there thinking how awesome it would be if they are just a little more conforming to the norms of the society.

No one would really know how each other feel unless they have really been there.

The statement maybe harsh, but at the end of the day.

When we sit down and ask ourselves. Do we even know what we want?

How can we feel for others if we, don't even know what we want?

人。

瞥清了所有的虚假和面具的背后，我还是我。

我不是超人，我不会飞天吨地，我也不会飞檐走壁。

我就是我，一个贪生怕死，怕寂寞孤单，拿的起，放不下的无名小子。

我虽然表面上很坚强，不用你现在对我造成的伤害是你永远都弥补不回的。

就象一张有了污点的纸，就算用力的，使劲的想把它擦掉，痕迹依然存在。

因为你的所作所为，我们已经不可能回到原点了。

不管我有多努力，我对你的信任已经不会象以前一样的纯。

就算我自己有多想挽回这段友情，我还是过不了自己那关。

我不知道未来的路会是怎么样的。

不过，我希望不管最后的结局是什么，我都不要后悔。