Hey blog. 

I almost forget you existed. 

So much have changed again since the last time I came in to vent my emotions. 

Thank you for always being here I guess? 

Life have been pretty extreme on both ends for me. 

There are nice parts, there are tough parts. Like a unproperly handled steak I guess. 

I really want to rant like a child, and go back to safety like a scared child running to her parents, but my parents are also a tough bit to handle. 

Job's pretty unbalanced now too. Its been pretty tiring but then again, I chose this route myself. 

Who is to blame? Arrghhhh. 

2021 Shermzty Rantyz.

 Hey blog. 

I don't really know how to start writing, but I kinda really wanted to write something today and I am gonna just leave it as that. 

Remember when I told you that things went amazing 2019-2020 for me. Yep. Sadly, I am back at the bottom, feeling like shit as ever. 

Things have turned pretty rough since I have left RP. I can't say that I regret it honestly, but I can't say it's the right decision ever, because things have unravelled itself,  alot. 

Mental state's kinda been pretty rough since I left. I had that I have been in this mental meltdown almost like 24/7. I hate that my mood is kinda taking this ride in the theme park. Sometimes. It's great! Sometimes, I am sobbing without any reason. 

Talking doesn't really help anymore, because I am just in this repeating maze. 
I have all the answers, but I don't want those answers, but I don't know if I want those answers. 

Sometimes, I can't breathe. Sometimes, I can. 

People say it's self pity... which makes me feels like a joke. 

I really hate myself. Really. 

 Hi blog. 

It's been long since I have written anything for myself. 

It has been a hectic year, goodness, I swear. 

Since the time I have fell out of love, picked myself up. 

I lost some weight, I fell in love again, and then came COVID-19 *dramatic music* 

Since then it seemed like everything has changed. Everything. 

From the way we work to the way we meet people. 

To be frank, I am still a little intimidated by how everything pulled out even though I am kinda getting used to living life like that and don't really think we can ever lived like we did in the past anymore.

And... honestly, I am having some pretty mixed thoughts today. 

I am kinda doubting the way I am living my life, if this is the right way. 

I am not blaming on the pandemic, but the pandemic has changed many things, my parents' career, job stability and even the way we date and love, ever since working from home was a thing, so many things changed. 

My own home isn't a haven anymore. I mean it's great, I love it and all, but it's not a haven. 

It seemed like I have started my home runaway ordeal again, avoiding all the come-what-mays (but trust me when I tell you it is so much harder with COVID,with all the social distancing and all, seats n the cafe have reduced by at least half, so even if money is not the issue, because of expensive coffee. I can't get no seats, people) 

I am lucky enough to find another haven... but the feeling of troubling him is daunting. 

Feels like I owe him a favour every single time and it's tormenting to know how much it would hurt my parents, should they know I am doing this every single day just to stay afloat and productive. 

I used to think, things will get better when I find an opportunity to leap ahead, but things doesn't seemed so easy afterall when there's an opportunity. 

To say it more blatantly, is that opportunity ahead, the right opportunity or is it... another black hole...? 

Low-life

9 Oct 2019, 9:54pm. Location: Starbucks; SG.

I am currently at a Starbucks near home. Very near home. 

The sad thing about this post is, I am not at a starbucks because I want to or because I needed to get shit done... technically; in the state of mind. (I actually have shit that needs to be done) 

It's because I don't want to go home. Yup. At 27, I don't want to go home. 

If someone told the Shermaine at 17 YO, trust me. 

She will be laughing so hard her belly would explode. 

It's so weird that things changed so much within these 2 years.

How I decided to start on an uni degree, how I decided to get a license. 

How I have decided I wanted changes in my life; I wanted to better myself, I started supporting myself, I wanted somebody, I fell for somebody and ... the list goes on. 

So much have changed, even my family. Till now, I don't really know what changed the equation, what made me changed. 

Now I really look up to people who has a shitty upbringing and still made it.
I really applaud, because my life feels like it's falling in shambles. 

It feels like I am just on doses of morphine through dosage of support from friends. 

Support on people that I should not support/ lean on. 

It seriously made me feel that, I don't deserve to have anyone. 

Somewhat, somewhere, this is not the life I envisioned myself to have. 

I hope some time down the road, things will be better. 

People always say, family, they are your strongest rapport. Your greatest asset.
I envy that. 

I just hope, my family stop screwing up with me. 

Please. 

I am sorry you have to read on a 27 YO rant like she's 17. 

I guess I bloomed late. 

错的人

很久没有想写东西了，这blog上的灰尘应该能建个灰尘小雪人了吧。（好，不好笑）

26岁的我，喜欢上了个男生 也因此好像做了很多疯狂的事。

从想要一个人，到想要有个伴，到想要他看见我，到也希望他也喜欢我。

甚至到自己怀疑自己是不是不够漂亮。

这感觉真的很奇怪。

回想起来，其实我也可笑 在写这文章的时候 想要说想来个 《为了他，我学会了...吃香菜？...本人已经很爱吃香菜 哈哈哈哈》confirm 中了爱情保卫战的毒 哈哈哈哈

认识他那么久 其实也不知道他喜欢吃什么 我还真的是奇葩了。还说喜欢人家...

听了一早上的《错的人》回想了很多 

从相遇 到认识 到暧昧(自我感觉) 到我确定自己真的喜欢上你 

起初 不确认自己感觉 真的给了自己很多理由告诉自己你不是对的人 

(朋友都劝我说不要不要 不要拿自己的幸福开玩笑) 

你不帅，不会打扮，假死，不会...很多很多的不会。
但 还是慢慢的关心你 慢慢的担心你 慢慢的喜欢你。

因为喜欢你 都不知道少睡了多少，找了多少军师，想了很多。

可是你他妈的 真的很会假死 哈哈哈哈哈

可是谢谢你来到我的生活里，谢谢大脑让我喜欢上你。

希望 我能够慢慢的走出来。

希望你永远不知道我喜欢你（虽然有点不可能） 希望你永远开心 希望你幸福呗  

我也不知道要写什么了。就希望你下次如果在挂科的话 不要太难过 不要找我了。

我也不会在烦你啦。

许雪曼 这是你自己写的 你可是要 写到做到啊。

不知不觉

不知不觉 3年了。
我也成长了不少吧。
纯粹无聊 纯粹Duty的时候没事干。

只越来越不明白爱情。

不管多刻苦铭心。

久了，什么都不是。

只会变成无止尽的枷锁和束缚。

到现在我还是不了解为什么这一切会发生。

我…不好命… 我只是幸运能够拥有金钱来掩饰我的懦弱和痛。

我不喜欢一个人，

不过还是关上心，一个人好了。

做人好烦……真的好烦。

Looking at my banner, makes me miss life from back then when nothing happened... At all. 

What is my fashion style?

My fashion style is fat.

Yup.

Fat. Whatever I like and I can wear, I wear. -.-

Being a youtuber is seriously no joke.

I really want a change, but what change can there be?

No. Wait. I need to go do my assignment still.

Fuck la.

#storyofmylife 2016. _|_

3 months down my new journey.

Hi guys,

Surprised to see me? I am myself.
Life, have been pretty great since I quitted UWA. I got to travel a lot more since then.
Then I decide to start studying again.
It's been three months since I embarked on my new pursuit with the business degree and since then life sucks. Like literally. Sucks.
Tons and tons of assignments, citations, loads of quiz, loads of lectures...
Three months down, I have already messed up with my sleep cycle, but then again, being so sleep deprived so that I can finish my assignments, I can basically sleep everywhere.

That's unless your mom decides to try her best to wake you up for dinner even though you're deep asleep and have been trying to stay asleep for about 30 mins through just because she bought dinner that cannot be eaten tomorrow as breakfast. DAYUMMMMM.

Well, so here I am writing this post. Trying to feel sleepy again.

I have got to learn a lot more outside the box, considering being in the science faculty for this long already. Being in business really pushed me out of the box.
Having so many more outspoken people around me, having people dress up constantly and having to write long paragraphs of work. It's really a culture shock.
Well at least now I got to learn that writing is something that needs constant practice.
I have been writing so much recently that now writing a post seemed like a piece of cake.
But then again, applying back to the uni context, better read more before I get marked down for anymore "forum-like" languages.
For now, feels so good to not have to give two cent of what I am writing. I don't have to care the credibility of what I am writing and I don't have to citate any shit. FUCK THAT SHIT. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
#lifeofanunistudent

Till then.

I am going to do some quiz, writing is instead making me more energetic for no apparent reason.
I am so annoyed now, gonna be so screwed tomorrow. Confirm plus chop.

没有人会记得你从前多么的光彩成功。

没有人会理你曾经怎么苦苦的挣扎。

不过，全世界都会记得你放弃过，失败过，跌倒过。

从未跌倒过的你又怎么了解我的痛。

流过多少泪，心累了几回 你又知不知道。

谁不想跌倒了站起来，讲的容易做的难。

Many see a new beginning as a new start, but I can't help it to see it more like a death sentence. 

That feeling alone, is sufficient to show what I'm feeling. 

Just leave me alone since I'm already doing what you want me to do. Stop it with the razor sharp remarks. 

It's not like I don't know how fucked up I'm? I should be the clearest one myself. 

Financial incapable, academic incapable, don't even know what do with my life. Only know how play SIMS 4, stay fat and drama all day long when people around me all graduating, running their own business and earning big bucks. 

I'm not blaming you for anything because I fucked up. Not you, you have your job, your car, your nice figure and your beautiful hair. 

Alright fuck my writing proficiency, fuck everything. 🖕🏻 (I still write like some sec school ah lian.)

I don't even know how to go on with this. Fuck everything, seriously. 

And... I still need to work tomorrow. 

Fuck growing up. 

A deserved day of break

It has been long since I have logged in to write a post. 

It seemed not long ago when blogging was still a weekly routine I would do to either rant my emotions or simply just to log down things I wouldn't want to forget in my life. 

Now it seemed like I am just wrecking my head just so I can write something proper. 

Maybe it's due to the change of lifestyle, different commitments. Different everything. 

I lost some things, I gained some. I learnt some, I forget some. 

Though some things seemed to never change, those hidden wounds, memories. The pain will always be there. Like how stars would always be there even though you don't always see it. 

At some point of time, I really thought I changed. Be it for the better or for the worst, stronger or weaker, because I know I am changing to what I need to be as of this moment to survive. Yup. You heard right. SURVIVE. So much for grand wishes at the end of the year, every year. 

Now, even surviving seemed such a big word to achieve. 

To a great 2015, I say to myself. 

Till the next break I give to myself, be safe my lil' blog. 

As usual, I don't think  I make any sense, but if there's anyone reading.
Thank you, may the force be with you young one.

I thought I could.

 What's the use of believing I could when the truth is obviously telling me that I can't. People take uni. I take uni. People work, I work. People pass, I fail. 

I thought I changed for the better, I thought I did, but I got proved wrong. 

I had a good life, now, I just hoped for an ordinary life, a peaceful life. It doesn't have to be fantastic. Just leave the drama out. 

I thought I could handle it.

By caring lesser, by not giving a shit, by not expressing any emotions. 

I thought I could handle it. I really thought I could, but what's the use of staying positive when I'm already on my ends' meet just trying to make everyday work. 

It looks like I'm having a high life full of materialistic wants and shit, but little do they know what I will give all that just to be happy again.

I'm tired of smiling, I'm tired of staying positive. What's the point of staying positive when I die a little inside every time I tell myself "nothing worth it comes easy." What's the point of keeping the faith when there's no longer anything to fight for. 

Those positive quotes on tumblr don't work on me no more. 

I'm tired.

The worst part, I have never felt so alone before. 

Everyone wants a piece of me, about what's going on but just how many truly care because they truly care. 

How many of them who truly cared don't have enough on their plate?

Food for Thought.

Company recently added a new fish tank near the place I am sitting, as beautiful as it looks with all the tiny little fishes swimming here and there. It is so therapeutic to just stare at it and after hours of hammering the laptop pumping and generating work.

While feeding the fishes and looking at them all eagerly swimming to snatch for food, it suddenly struck me that fishes are also living things, an animal who have their own train of thoughts and feelings just like me and you.

Are we too insensitive to always make an aquarium out of them because they look nice like that?

Putting back into context of humans, I would never be wanted to be placed into somewhere without me knowing, confined into a small area, dealing with people that I am forced to deal with, 24 hours, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Goodness.  At least us humans have a home, to run away from everything. Well, at least for me. 

Count your blessings, people.

Hwaiting, fishies! You are already stronger than I think I would ever be.

I don’t think I make any sense, but I just felt like writing this out. LOL. 

Just clearing some spider cobs.

It has been long since I have wrote an update.
Life has been busy… Mentally and physically. Work, school and long fights.

Whitney Houston’s “I have nothing” seemed to be one song that would pretty much explain my feelings. Hmmm.

So much for negativities! 

It has been so much the reason why I hasn’t been writing much, apart for the fact that I will most probably want to spend time to either talk on the phone and just go to bed instead of writing, since university’s writing seemed to have hit my quota. LOL. Not forgetting the admin job I am holding.

I don’t even think anything I am writing makes any grammatical sense.
Taking in mind the post-effects of sleeping less than 6 hours every day for this entire week with school.

School and work has been great even though it has been and is the only cause I am heavily lacking sleep, but it has got me into a regime at the very least, but it’s all still hard to say as work is still taking it’s honeymoon on me and I have just ended the gene module. Things are still considered to be less stressful as compared. Exams are still seemingly faraway, while work is still relaxing thanks to the fact that there’s still my partner in the very least. (who is leaving by this week.) Then after which is all by my ownnnnnnnnnnn. DON’T WANT TO BE ALL BY MY OWNNNNNNNNNN.

Thinking on the bright side, this job has helped opened me to a lot of things, realizing how fortunate I have been and I should just be contented of what I am having now. If I were to have been accepted by any of the labs instead of this job, it’s confirm chop more and more failing modules coming my way.

Oh, not forgetting the great facilities I am entitled of after having a job. DAEEEEEBAKKKKKK. (Y)

Just praying hard that this mojo magical balance will last me through and modules will pass pass pass their way through.
GENE2230 that applies to you as well.  Do well. Do me proud, I have studied the hardest I have could although hard work do not always equate to good results, PLEASE, LET ME PASS. GUAN YIN MA BOBI.

新工作第二天的感想；

半工半读不简单。

撑着吧！

别人可以，我也可以。*自我催眠中*

累，累，累。

钱，钱，钱。 

ಥ_ಥ

家长。

变态的两天内追完了湖南卫视的《爸爸去哪？》

看着那些爸爸怎么的被那些孩子们搞得六神无主，把屎把尿的的照顾和守护着他们，真让我有些感触。

想起了当年父母亲也是那么样的把屎把尿的，守护着，陪伴着我长大。

只是随着岁月，开始独立了，长大了，以前常常表达的爱慢慢少了，父母对孩子的期望越来越多了，随着也多了责任，压力和争吵。

那种无微不至呵护的画面也慢慢的在脑海里模糊了。

内心天真无邪的那个小女孩也慢慢的躲的在心里越来越深的地方去。

虽然已经知道找不回这种感觉了，就算能也不知道要怎么去找回这种感觉，但是我真的很想在有这种感觉。

这种虚伪，不实际的幸福感。

我做梦去吧。

胖子。

这几天的心情就是时如上面的图所在表达的吧。

不知道是因为考试放纵了太久得；暴饮暴食，没上健身房的因素。

最近自己觉得自己又长肉了，可怕的不是一点。是真的肥啦!

最近自己没勇气磅啦，不过脸下那双下巴，看了不承认也难。

不是在怨为什么自己又胖了，而是气自己为什么又应许自己胖了。

不管多无奈，只能看着漂亮的衣服自己都床不下，嘴巴和身体是自己的，应许自己长肉的人也是自己，所以后果自负。

真的是一百个，一千个的无奈啊～ *叹气*

I need my discipline and regime back. ◡ ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ ┻━┻ 

加油，Shermaine. 

恋爱对我来说本来是个伟大和完美的事。
就像突然身边就有个依靠，一个比朋友还要关心你的人。

可是，看着你一谈恋爱就那么的轰轰烈烈，惊天动地的。
真的顿时让我觉得谈恋爱好可怕。
爱情真的可以改变一个人，改变他的思想，他的逻辑，他的观念。
随着这些改变，可以六亲不认，可以破釜沉舟。

这样看来，我这个老尼姑因该好好收起我想要恋爱的心。
专心念经，孝顺父母吧。

PS: 不知道如果有一天如果真的谈起恋爱来又是怎么样的呢？

Tokyo Banana 🍌

Finally got to try the highly raved Tokyo banana! 😱🙆🙆🙆😱

How can any girl not fall for the packaging!?! 🙊🙈🙉 HAHAHA. 

To be honest, for the price I'm paying it for, I seriously don't feel that these bananas are really worth the hype. Oh well. Take it as an experience, they are really too cute to resist!! 🙈

Om nom nom nom. 😝😍😉

PS: it's really quite amusing and entertaining to see girly girls react to cute desserts. #achievementunlocked 

最近皮肤真的干的好像要裂开似的。

皮肤也时不时的敏感，发痒什么的。

有一点像考试时，平时不烧香，临时抱佛脚的心态。一次过的做保湿，猛喝水呀，擦极润汝，什么的。

有时候真的在想为什么是女人呀～

永远都有做不完的保养。

越来越老的时候才真的发现单敷面膜是不够的。

美真的是有代价的。(´･_･`)