Hey blog. 

I almost forget you existed. 

So much have changed again since the last time I came in to vent my emotions. 

Thank you for always being here I guess? 

Life have been pretty extreme on both ends for me. 

There are nice parts, there are tough parts. Like a unproperly handled steak I guess. 

I really want to rant like a child, and go back to safety like a scared child running to her parents, but my parents are also a tough bit to handle. 

Job's pretty unbalanced now too. Its been pretty tiring but then again, I chose this route myself. 

Who is to blame? Arrghhhh. 

2021 Shermzty Rantyz.

 Hey blog. 

I don't really know how to start writing, but I kinda really wanted to write something today and I am gonna just leave it as that. 

Remember when I told you that things went amazing 2019-2020 for me. Yep. Sadly, I am back at the bottom, feeling like shit as ever. 

Things have turned pretty rough since I have left RP. I can't say that I regret it honestly, but I can't say it's the right decision ever, because things have unravelled itself,  alot. 

Mental state's kinda been pretty rough since I left. I had that I have been in this mental meltdown almost like 24/7. I hate that my mood is kinda taking this ride in the theme park. Sometimes. It's great! Sometimes, I am sobbing without any reason. 

Talking doesn't really help anymore, because I am just in this repeating maze. 
I have all the answers, but I don't want those answers, but I don't know if I want those answers. 

Sometimes, I can't breathe. Sometimes, I can. 

People say it's self pity... which makes me feels like a joke. 

I really hate myself. Really. 

 Hi blog. 

It's been long since I have written anything for myself. 

It has been a hectic year, goodness, I swear. 

Since the time I have fell out of love, picked myself up. 

I lost some weight, I fell in love again, and then came COVID-19 *dramatic music* 

Since then it seemed like everything has changed. Everything. 

From the way we work to the way we meet people. 

To be frank, I am still a little intimidated by how everything pulled out even though I am kinda getting used to living life like that and don't really think we can ever lived like we did in the past anymore.

And... honestly, I am having some pretty mixed thoughts today. 

I am kinda doubting the way I am living my life, if this is the right way. 

I am not blaming on the pandemic, but the pandemic has changed many things, my parents' career, job stability and even the way we date and love, ever since working from home was a thing, so many things changed. 

My own home isn't a haven anymore. I mean it's great, I love it and all, but it's not a haven. 

It seemed like I have started my home runaway ordeal again, avoiding all the come-what-mays (but trust me when I tell you it is so much harder with COVID,with all the social distancing and all, seats n the cafe have reduced by at least half, so even if money is not the issue, because of expensive coffee. I can't get no seats, people) 

I am lucky enough to find another haven... but the feeling of troubling him is daunting. 

Feels like I owe him a favour every single time and it's tormenting to know how much it would hurt my parents, should they know I am doing this every single day just to stay afloat and productive. 

I used to think, things will get better when I find an opportunity to leap ahead, but things doesn't seemed so easy afterall when there's an opportunity. 

To say it more blatantly, is that opportunity ahead, the right opportunity or is it... another black hole...? 

Low-life

9 Oct 2019, 9:54pm. Location: Starbucks; SG.

I am currently at a Starbucks near home. Very near home. 

The sad thing about this post is, I am not at a starbucks because I want to or because I needed to get shit done... technically; in the state of mind. (I actually have shit that needs to be done) 

It's because I don't want to go home. Yup. At 27, I don't want to go home. 

If someone told the Shermaine at 17 YO, trust me. 

She will be laughing so hard her belly would explode. 

It's so weird that things changed so much within these 2 years.

How I decided to start on an uni degree, how I decided to get a license. 

How I have decided I wanted changes in my life; I wanted to better myself, I started supporting myself, I wanted somebody, I fell for somebody and ... the list goes on. 

So much have changed, even my family. Till now, I don't really know what changed the equation, what made me changed. 

Now I really look up to people who has a shitty upbringing and still made it.
I really applaud, because my life feels like it's falling in shambles. 

It feels like I am just on doses of morphine through dosage of support from friends. 

Support on people that I should not support/ lean on. 

It seriously made me feel that, I don't deserve to have anyone. 

Somewhat, somewhere, this is not the life I envisioned myself to have. 

I hope some time down the road, things will be better. 

People always say, family, they are your strongest rapport. Your greatest asset.
I envy that. 

I just hope, my family stop screwing up with me. 

Please. 

I am sorry you have to read on a 27 YO rant like she's 17. 

I guess I bloomed late. 

错的人

很久没有想写东西了，这blog上的灰尘应该能建个灰尘小雪人了吧。（好，不好笑）

26岁的我，喜欢上了个男生 也因此好像做了很多疯狂的事。

从想要一个人，到想要有个伴，到想要他看见我，到也希望他也喜欢我。

甚至到自己怀疑自己是不是不够漂亮。

这感觉真的很奇怪。

回想起来，其实我也可笑 在写这文章的时候 想要说想来个 《为了他，我学会了...吃香菜？...本人已经很爱吃香菜 哈哈哈哈》confirm 中了爱情保卫战的毒 哈哈哈哈

认识他那么久 其实也不知道他喜欢吃什么 我还真的是奇葩了。还说喜欢人家...

听了一早上的《错的人》回想了很多 

从相遇 到认识 到暧昧(自我感觉) 到我确定自己真的喜欢上你 

起初 不确认自己感觉 真的给了自己很多理由告诉自己你不是对的人 

(朋友都劝我说不要不要 不要拿自己的幸福开玩笑) 

你不帅，不会打扮，假死，不会...很多很多的不会。
但 还是慢慢的关心你 慢慢的担心你 慢慢的喜欢你。

因为喜欢你 都不知道少睡了多少，找了多少军师，想了很多。

可是你他妈的 真的很会假死 哈哈哈哈哈

可是谢谢你来到我的生活里，谢谢大脑让我喜欢上你。

希望 我能够慢慢的走出来。

希望你永远不知道我喜欢你（虽然有点不可能） 希望你永远开心 希望你幸福呗  

我也不知道要写什么了。就希望你下次如果在挂科的话 不要太难过 不要找我了。

我也不会在烦你啦。

许雪曼 这是你自己写的 你可是要 写到做到啊。

不知不觉

不知不觉 3年了。
我也成长了不少吧。
纯粹无聊 纯粹Duty的时候没事干。

只越来越不明白爱情。

不管多刻苦铭心。

久了，什么都不是。

只会变成无止尽的枷锁和束缚。

到现在我还是不了解为什么这一切会发生。

我…不好命… 我只是幸运能够拥有金钱来掩饰我的懦弱和痛。

我不喜欢一个人，

不过还是关上心，一个人好了。

做人好烦……真的好烦。

Looking at my banner, makes me miss life from back then when nothing happened... At all.